a tiny play about britain

  • man: i’m going to the buffet car, do you want anything?
  • woman: some crisps
  • man: I thought I might get a bacon sandwich
  • woman: oh god, don’t get a train sandwich
  • man: why not?
  • woman: you know what they’re like, train sandwiches
  • man: but I want one. do you want anything else? what about a coffee?
  • woman: no. I don’t want a coffee. if you get a bacon sandwich I’ll be really cross. we can have something nice when we get home
  • man: are you sure you don’t want one? what flavour crisps do you want
  • woman: you know what flavour crisps I want
  • man: right. salt and vinegar [the man turns to head to the buffet car]
  • woman: don’t get a bacon sandwich!
  • man: you were watching me weren’t you? I saw you poking your head round the
  • seat.
  • [the woman is silent]
  • man: well I didn’t get one. what are we going to have at home?
  • woman: I don’t know we can stop at the cafe or something
  • man: what cafe is going to be open at this time?
  • woman: I don’t know. doesn’t matter.
  • man: there was a funny sign in the toilet -
  • woman: I don’t like the way you say toilet. toi-let
  • man: toi-let toil-et toi-let. right, hmm.
  • man: well the sign in the toilet said, as well as all the usual stuff like no sanitary pads, it had other stuff, like sweaters.
  • woman: what’s the next stop?
  • man: Luton
  • woman: Isn’t that us? we should get ready…
  • man: the train is still moving. we don’t need to.
  • woman: do you have to be like that?
  • man: like what?
  • woman: like THAT?
  • man: I’ve had to deal with you all bloody evening, I have enough stuff to deal with in life with… everything
  • man: I don’t know what you mean.
  • woman: you know what I mean … can you get my handbag?
  • man: why don’t you just get it yourself? you seem to be fine doing everything else on your own.
  • woman: I can’t stand this. I can’t stand you!
  • man: Then why are we doing this? why are we bothering?
  • woman: what are you saying?
  • man: you know what I’m saying. let’s just not bother. I didn’t even propose properly anyway. why don’t we just call it off until I can propose properly.
  • woman: and do what? throw thousands of pounds down the drain?
  • man: yeah. what does it even matter to you anyway. you haven’t put in a penny.
  • woman: how can you fucking say that? how dare you?
  • man: well its true isn’t it?
  • woman: fuck off.
  • man: isn’t it?
  • woman: fuck you

Man

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