a tiny play about britain
2 min readMar 31, 2021
- man: i’m going to the buffet car, do you want anything?
- woman: some crisps
- man: I thought I might get a bacon sandwich
- woman: oh god, don’t get a train sandwich
- man: why not?
- woman: you know what they’re like, train sandwiches
- man: but I want one. do you want anything else? what about a coffee?
- woman: no. I don’t want a coffee. if you get a bacon sandwich I’ll be really cross. we can have something nice when we get home
- man: are you sure you don’t want one? what flavour crisps do you want
- woman: you know what flavour crisps I want
- man: right. salt and vinegar [the man turns to head to the buffet car]
- woman: don’t get a bacon sandwich!
- man: you were watching me weren’t you? I saw you poking your head round the
- seat.
- [the woman is silent]
- man: well I didn’t get one. what are we going to have at home?
- woman: I don’t know we can stop at the cafe or something
- man: what cafe is going to be open at this time?
- woman: I don’t know. doesn’t matter.
- man: there was a funny sign in the toilet -
- woman: I don’t like the way you say toilet. toi-let
- man: toi-let toil-et toi-let. right, hmm.
- man: well the sign in the toilet said, as well as all the usual stuff like no sanitary pads, it had other stuff, like sweaters.
- …
- woman: what’s the next stop?
- man: Luton
- woman: Isn’t that us? we should get ready…
- man: the train is still moving. we don’t need to.
- woman: do you have to be like that?
- man: like what?
- woman: like THAT?
- man: I’ve had to deal with you all bloody evening, I have enough stuff to deal with in life with… everything
- man: I don’t know what you mean.
- woman: you know what I mean … can you get my handbag?
- man: why don’t you just get it yourself? you seem to be fine doing everything else on your own.
- woman: I can’t stand this. I can’t stand you!
- man: Then why are we doing this? why are we bothering?
- woman: what are you saying?
- man: you know what I’m saying. let’s just not bother. I didn’t even propose properly anyway. why don’t we just call it off until I can propose properly.
- woman: and do what? throw thousands of pounds down the drain?
- man: yeah. what does it even matter to you anyway. you haven’t put in a penny.
- woman: how can you fucking say that? how dare you?
- man: well its true isn’t it?
- woman: fuck off.
- man: isn’t it?
- woman: fuck you
